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Episode 247: Separating From Family Issues

core work Aug 30, 2023

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Family and separating from family issues because when I think of back to life, back to reality, one of the things I think about is getting back to dealing with family issues and either the support or the lack of support or the lack of interest from family members in your acting career.

The Language of Letting Go

"We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary between ourselves and our nuclear family, and we can separate ourselves from their issues.

And I think that's amazing because I don't think I realized that I could separate my issues or anybody else's issues from me.

I thought anybody I spoke to their issue was my issue, and my issue was their issue. But that is highly codependent thinking and does not lead to a happy or successful life.

"Some of us have family members who are addicted to alcohol, drugs, or you know what, anything else, and they are not in recovery from their addiction. And some of us have family members who have unresolved codependency issues."

And I might also add those might be your unresolved codependency issues, which, when I think about the word codependency, I think of it in terms of I'm not all right unless you are all right.

And I judge how I feel based on you and just Tom Dicker, Harry Sue, Evelyn, Peter, whoever doesn't matter.

"Family members may be addicted, for example, to pain, misery, suffering, martyrdom, or victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family-of-origin issues.

We may have families addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed or may have a disconnected family in which members have little contact."

 And this is where it starts to hit. And I think the core issue here is that we may be like our family and love our family, but we are, and I want you to hear this because this is the biggest part.

We are separate—human beings with individual rights and individual issues.

One of the ways this was described to me is that if you have a highly enmeshed family, It's like a bowl of spaghetti, but nobody knows whose strands are who's.

It's one piece of spaghetti. It's so enmeshed that it feels, smells, tastes, sounds just like everyone else's issue in the family.

And also, when I say the word family, it could be community. Don't think that this has to be blood. It certainly doesn't.

Or your adopted family, your friends, or group of friends, keep in mind that's true too.

"One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better whether or not the other people choose to do the same."

O M G. Hallelujah. Let's sing it to the rooftops.

We have the right to feel better.

We have the right to our future. Whether or not other people in our lives choose to do the same or not.

We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works or going after a career that we are passionate about. I.

And we do not have to take on our families' issues as our own to be loyal or to show them that we love them.

I think that is also so huge and heartbreaking that on some level, maybe in the past, one has learned that I must go down that rabbit hole with that person to show them that I am loyal to them or that I love them.

"Often when we begin to care for ourselves, family members or friends will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles."

So, one of the ways this was explained to me is that if you think of a bike wheel, all the spokes have a certain job.

But when one of those spokes decides, you know what? Not my life, not what I want. I'm not going that way. All the other spokes of the wheel get angry, which can feel like a tsunami upon you. It can feel overwhelming, and it can feel desperately lonely.

"We do not have to go."

Their attempts to pull us back are their issues; we must understand that their attempts to pull us back have to do with them, not with us. And I reiterate we are separate human beings.

"Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we are addressing our issues."

It also means that we are going after our dreams, our universe-given dreams we have every right on the planet to pursue.

And the other thing is, and this is our part, we don't have to judge them because they have issues, nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are our family, which means just because somebody is your family or your friend or someone in your life, you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.

You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone.

We are free now. Free to take care of ourselves with family, friends, and everyone.

"Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them.

Where it belongs to deal with their issues.

So, of course, everything I've just talked about has to do with boundaries, doing things that we may not be comfortable about standing up for ourselves. Self-worth. Self-confidence, self-knowledge.

That's a lot.

But we can do it. We can do it. And if you need help, Let me know.

Work with me privately