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Episode 190: People Pleasing and the Actor

core work Aug 03, 2022

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The Language of Letting Go:

"Have you ever been around people pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turning themselves inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety producing."

 "If you spot it, you got it."

So notice that if someone's irritating you, ask yourself, "what is it about that person that is irritating me? And is that also something that I do?"

"People pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, or to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust. People pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute, and when what we are really saying is, I hope I'm pleasing you. Or we may be covert, quietly going through life, making important decisions based on pleasing others."

If you grew up in a family that question when you do something that is good for you or will question your choices or will question your judgment. 

That and those formidable, formidable years of your life will make you doubt yourself.

Anxiety is about not feeling that you can handle a situation. 

The connection between people pleasing and anxiety

If you grew up, if your background was trying to stay out of trouble, if your background was trying to protect yourself, that is the fertile ground for which anxiety can then grow and flourish in your adult years, which is all about feeling that you cannot handle a situation that is in front of you.

Understand that we will never be given more than we can handle, but we will be given more than we can control.

Overt Energy Actors— "I hope you like me. I hope you like me. I hope you like me."

Or Covert--- we just will allow other people to make big life decisions for us. Because we feel that we don't have the right to make such a big choice in our lives.

Have you ever been in an audition where you walk into a room, and you just cannot stop talking?

This gives your power away as an actor.

But also, what it does is basically you're asking the casting director for validation.

And that is one hell of a responsibility to put on them. And one that I actually feel very uncomfortable doing because who the hell am I to do that for you? Because the person who needs to be doing it is you.

As a casting director, I want you to come into the room or into the session, and I want you to know that you are enough, that you can do the job that I have hired you for or brought you into the audition for. And I know that I'm in good hands.

Not the actor who keeps repeating, "like me." Or, "Hey, is this okay? Is this okay? Is this okay? I just want to make sure I'm doing this right. "

That makes me feel like you want me to do the work for you. You are unprepared, but also that you don't have the confidence in yourself to do this job or to do this audition.

No matter how talented you are, by the time you do that audition, I already have that seed in my mind. 

"When in doubt, leave it out."

In other words, it's okay for me not to say so much. 

"Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have a responsibility to friends, family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But people pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we have planned." 

"Expectations are premeditated resentments." 

"The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves."

As a casting director, the actors that I like to bring into casting sessions and the actors that I like to hire for jobs are those actors who I know that they are enough, who know that they can do that job, who I know have done the work. And so I know that I am in good hands.

Those actors who are not going to be focused on pleasing me, but focused on doing their job, which is to act.


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